Parenting a PDAer: Why Traditional Discipline Backfires
You’re getting your 9-year-old ready for school. You ask him to put on his socks and shoes, and instead he growls and hisses at you.
It’s 9pm on Sunday night. Despite several reminders, your teenager hasn’t showered, done any homework, or cleaned their room.
If this feels familiar, you might be parenting a PDA child.
What Is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)?
Pathological demand avoidance (PDA) is an autistic profile in which demands can register in the nervous system as a threat to safety, control, or autonomy. These demands can be external (requests, expectations, schedules) or internal (needs, goals, bodily cues). Some prefer the more affirming term Persistent Drive for Autonomy.
PDAers often have a chronically heightened stress response, especially when their accommodation needs are not yet understood. It’s not any one demand, but the cumulative effect over time that leads to overwhelm, burnout, and even trauma.
PDA can be hard to recognize, and for many families, it takes years to fully understand what’s going on.
What makes PDA so hard to identify?
For one thing, PDA is a profile within autism and it often doesn’t look the way people expect autism to look. Even if a neuropsychological evaluation is sought, many professionals have limited knowledge of PDA. We are really in the infancy of understanding this profile.
PDAers responses to demands can be misunderstood as intentional, defiance, manipulation, or a lack of respect.
From the outside, it can look like a “won’t” instead of a “can’t.”
PDAers are often high masking and can hold it together in certain environments. When a child’s challenges show up mainly in one environment, parents often feel confused, dismissed, or even blamed.
PDAers often seem more socially motivated than people expect of autistic folks. They may make eye contact, use humor and sarcasm, and actively seek connection from parents and peers. Because of this, their struggles are often interpreted as a behavioral problem instead of being recognized as neurodevelopmental.
PDA (like autism more broadly) is also commonly misidentified as other diagnoses (e.g. oppositional defiant disorder, anxiety, ADHD, or mood disorders) long before PDA is considered.
What Parenting a PDA Child Often Feels Like
Parenting is hard even on “easy mode.” Parenting a PDAer is “hard mode” on an average day. It’s tough choice after tough choice. It requires an iron will and a strong stomach.
Parenting a child who is dysregulated by every day demands means you often do much more for your child than the typical parent. Then there is the emotional weight that parents carry: How will my child ever have a boss? Will they be able to live on their own? Who will be their friend or partner? It can feel like carrying the weight of the world.
I write this blog with the hope of bringing to light that which is often unseen. So much of what parents of PDAers carry happens quietly behind closed doors. These realities are rarely visible to the outside world, but they are so familiar to parents of PDAers.
The emotional toll
Constant anticipation of dysregulation
Grief for the parenting experience they expected to have and jealousy of other parents
Self-doubt, isolation, and fearing judgement by others
Burnout from needing to stay regulated for both yourself and your child
Fear of failing your child
Feeling heartbroken when your child rejects help, affection, or connection
The financial impact
Re-buying items that were broken during a meltdown
Paying for tuition, camps, classes, etc. that your child stops attending
Paying for a hotel room because staying with family/friends is too challenging
Buying packaged or takeout food because that’s what your child will eat
The social impact
Avoiding going out because of unpredictability or meltdowns
Difficulty attending family gatherings, vacations, restaurants, or community events
Feeling misunderstood by other parents
Feeling unable to relate to conventional parenting conversations
The impact on siblings and family systems
Siblings sometimes feeling overlooked, embarrassed, or scared because of their sibling’s challenges
Marital or co-parenting strain from chronic stress and differing approaches
Extended family conflict when relatives interpret the child’s behavior as “bad behavior”
Sadness that others do not see and understand your child beneath the dysregulation
Worrying about how much support your child may need in the future
The invisible labor
Researching schools, therapies, accommodations, OTs, approaches, etc.
Explaining PDA repeatedly to teachers, doctors, therapists, and family members
Constantly adapting routines, language, and expectations
Mentally tracking triggers, sensory needs, transitions, food preferences, and energy levels
I share these very real experiences because I believe parents need to be seen and heard. For parents who are parenting on “hard mode,” I want you to know you are not alone and you are not crazy. It can feel that way sometimes when all the typical advice seems to completely backfire with your child.
Why Traditional Parenting Strategies Backfire with PDA
One of the hardest parts of parenting a PDAer, is how much you will have to go against traditional parenting advice. So many well-meaning adults and even professionals will give you advice that will not work for your child. The advice may even make PDA challenges worse. Below are some common parenting strategies that are not typically helpful for PDAers.
Rewards and consequences: These approaches stem from a behavioral psychology approach. The idea is that parents can encourage desired behaviors and discourage challenging behaviors through consistently using rewards and consequences. The problem: Trying to control PDAer’s behavior leads to a sense a loss of autonomy and control. This triggers a nervous system reaction to distress. Importantly, these are not conscious choices. It’s similar to punishing someone for having a panic attack.
Setting firm limits: PDAers often do not respond to firm limit setting. Many parents deeply struggle with this because limits are often meant for the health and safety of the child (e.g. bedtimes, hygiene routines, screen limits, limits on “junk food”). The problem: Limit-setting with a PDAer can backfire for the same reasons as reward and consequences. However well-intentioned, it can trigger a threat response.
Consistency and follow-through: Parents are often taught that children need clear expectations and consistent follow-through in order to feel secure and learn boundaries. Backing down once a limit has been set is viewed as reinforcing challenging behavior. The problem: With PDA, rigidly holding a boundary can unintentionally escalate the nervous system threat response (cue feelings of being trapped, powerless, or panicked). Flexibility and attunement are often more effective than strict consistency with PDAers.
PDA Parenting Strategies That Actually Help
Reduce Direct Demands
This is the time to get really clear on what matters and why it matters.
Does your kid really need to shower everyday? Are there alternatives that are more sensory friendly for them?
If your kid needs to brush their teeth, does it really matter how they do it? Can you sit while they brush, even lay down?
If your kid needs to put on their shoes, does it matter where they do it? Can they bring them in the car and put them on there?
If your teen struggles with school, how important is attendance really? Can they go in late or miss school more than their neurotypical peers?
If it’s important for your child to eat regularly, can you let go of influencing them to eat “healthy"?” Can you let “fed is best” be the motto?
If you are attending a family event, does it really matter what your child wears, whether they hug family members, or if they stay the whole time? Can you and your partner drive separately to allow your child to leave when they need to leave?
Use Collaboration and Shared Control
Effective PDA parenting is collaborative. Instead of setting goals for your child, you can follow your child’s lead. Pressuring your child, even with the best of intentions, will not work in the long-run. PDAers can quickly pick up on even subtle attempts to control or pressure them. When I encourage parents to lower demands, this also means expectations (e.g. they will start going to school with no issue). Sometimes when demands are lowered, PDAers feel less pressure to mask. Ultimately, this is a good thing, but sometimes parents interpret this as “low-demand parenting doesn’t work.” It’s important to look for the small changes, such as your child spontaneously seeking connection with you or engaging more in a special interest.
Low-pressure parenting makes choices available. For example, you can offer a range of snacks and foods, and allow your child to choose what they eat. Another example would be placing puzzles, markers, books, etc. in different areas of the house (a practice called strewing). You might also suggest an outing to your child, and accept whether they say yes or no.
The bonus step is to offer your child more sense of power and control. Try sitting lower than them, letting them win, or making mistakes on purpose. This helps with a PDAer’s need to feel equal to those around them. Whenever you can, share power with your child. This is a radical shift from parenting strategies of the past.
Focus on Connection Over Compliance
Connection first. That’s the key. I often encourage parents to take the pressure off themselves as well. You don’t control any other human, even little ones. You can’t make your child behave, go to school, eat their veggies. You don’t have magical powers (sorry).
But what you do have is more powerful than you imagine. You have a calming, loving presence you can offer your child in times of need. You can sit quietly beside them. You can offer a hug or a squeeze. You can take deep breaths and model coping.
Your child’s connection with you is the most important part of their wellbeing. Connect with them over their special interests. Be playful and silly with them. Remind them what you love about them and that you love them exactly as they are. I’m not saying this is easy—especially not when you are feeling exhausted and stressed yourself. But I do think this advice will help you from thinking you need to solve the problem. Instead, remember your power comes from your bond with your child.
Use Indirect Language and Flexibility
Because direct requests, demands, and questions can cause anxiety for PDAers, I encourage parents to learn new communication approaches. One especially useful skill to learn is declarative language. Declarative language is a style of communication that shares observations, thoughts, feelings, or information without directing, pressuring, or demanding a response from the other person.
Examples:
Your shoes are by the door.
Oh, I just noticed it’s 9pm. I think I’ll go brush my teeth.
I wonder if it’s getting close to lunchtime.
I noticed your homework is still on the table.
I’m going to get ready to leave in 10 minutes.
That seemed really frustrating.
I can help if you want.
I wonder what would make this easier.
Your stuffed animal seems concerned about bedtime.
It takes some practice to get used to, but eventually this type of communication will feel more natural and you’ll be coming up with creative ways of rephrasing demands.
Pick Your Battles, Redefine “Success”, and Live in the Present
Parenting a PDAer will teach you to pick your battles. Many things that seem important will eventually seem just the opposite. Even when it comes to the truly important things, you will have to learn to measure success differently. Your child had French fries every day. But they ate. They fed their body instead of going hungry. Your child couldn’t attend school for a couple days last week. But they came to you for snuggles. They felt safe in their home.
Loving a PDAer has its challenges, but I’ve also seen the beautiful lessons parents learn from their PDA child. Patience, flexibility, non-judgemental acceptance, playfulness, and to live more fully in the present. With a PDAer, there is just right now. Tomorrow, even five minutes from now, is unknown.
When PDAers talk about future plans or goals (e.g. wanting to go to college, wanting to lose weight, wanting to be more independent), parents can learn to respond to these statements in a calm and neutral tone ("You are thinking about college/your future.”). As a parent, you need not push nor to make your child “be realistic.” You can simply hold space for the thoughts, dreams, and wishes.
And keep yourself grounded in the present. If you worry too much about the future, it’s harder to see the child that you have right now.
When to Seek Support
Often PDAers are burnt out and unable to attend therapy themselves. It is often more helpful for parents to seek therapy and/or parent coaching themselves. This job you are doing is hard! You deserve support. When working with parents, I have compassion for the struggle, the conflicting feelings, and the exhaustion. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect. I welcome the imperfection. I welcome you to let light shine to the places that often go unseen. You are doing your best. I truly believe that. And I’m there to help you hold some of that weight.
Sometimes PDAers are willing and able to come for therapy themselves. Keep in mind that therapy is a demand, so it is sometimes not accessible. I love working with PDAers in therapy. I keep a patient, flexible approach. I move at the PDAer’s pace, rather than imposing my own agenda. Sometimes this means sitting on the floor quietly with snacks. When they are ready, they will open up and let me into their world. I don’t control this. I share power in the therapy room. I offer a non-judgemental space and unconditional positive regard and warmth. There may be more cancellations. They may need to end sessions early sometimes. Every day is a new day.
A Final Takeaway
Sometimes the most healing thing we can offer is presence.
"Don't just do something, stand there." - Alice in Wonderland