The Sibling Grief Nobody Talks About

When a child is facing serious challenges, the family naturally turns its focus to that child. We also tend to notice the parents who are trying to hold everything together.

The quiet sibling who “seems fine” in comparison, however, is often left out of the story.

I want to bring attention to the quiet sibling, the one who is easy to miss when much of the family’s attention is pulled toward more obvious challenges.

As the sibling of someone who has faced lifelong challenges, I’ve noticed how little attention we give to sibling grief.

A child could be dealing with medical issues, disability, mental illness, addiction, or trauma. The challenges may be present from birth (such as Down Syndrome) or show up suddenly (such as a mental health crisis). The circumstances may be temporary, recurring, or permanent. Parents often devote themselves to supporting the child (such as school changes, IEP meetings, evaluations, therapies, programs, doctors, hospitalizations, and the list goes on).

Families may go through cycles of hope and disappointment as they search for answers and relief. Treatments may seem to work for a time, only for symptoms or crises to return. It’s a frustrating and sometimes heart-breaking process. It’s also frequently time-consuming and emotionally draining.

In the intensity of one sibling’s needs, the quiet sibling may seem completely fine. They are often carrying a lot, just in a much quieter way.

They may be grieving the loss of the sibling relationship they wished they had (or they once had), a typical childhood, family stability, attention from parents, and even hopes for the future.

It can feel one-sided as the quiet siblings may put more focus on or even take care of their sibling. Overwhelmed parents often appreciate this, which can make the caregiving role feel fulfilling for the sibling. When parents seem overwhelmed by one child’s needs, the quiet sibling may learn to suppress their own needs.

When so much is focused on their struggling sibling, the quiet sibling may internalize the message I’m not important.

Some quiet siblings may witness distressing situations (for example self-harm, suicidal ideation/attempts, criminal activity, arrest, medical crisis, etc.). In some cases, the quiet sibling may experience abuse. Often it’s hard for parents to name their child’s behavior as abusive.

Being the quiet sibling is isolating. Because people rarely talk about this, it can feel like everyone else’s family is “normal.” It may not feel okay to talk about it. Friends, peers, and even adults may not understand or empathize. The quiet sibling may be bullied when peers notice their family is different. Parents may encourage secrecy about family issues. It’s not uncommon for extended family, neighbors, or other communities to distance themselves or exclude the family.

Later in life, these quiet siblings may look back and recognize their needs were not always met as a child. They may reflect on having to grow up too fast. It takes work to unlearn what once created safety, such as over-accommodating, putting others’ needs first, and accepting disappointment quietly.

In many families, the challenges require supports well beyond childhood. The quiet sibling may worry about their aging parents or anticipate one day needing to care for their sibling. Some parents plan for the future and for what will happen after they die, but that’s not always the case.

Through all of these challenges, the quiet sibling may not feel they can talk about it. It may feel wrong or bad to grieve what was lost.

If I name my grief, am I betraying my sibling or my parents?

But it is completely normal for the quiet sibling to feel resentment, jealousy, anger, embarrassment, shame, and fear. It’s hard to acknowledge these feelings, and even harder when feelings seem to conflict.

A gentle reminder that humans are complex. Love and grief can co-exist, as can compassion and hurt. Naming sibling grief does not take away love for a sibling or parents. Instead it makes room for a part of the story that is too often left untold.

It can be very healing to break the silence. This might mean talking to friends or family or speaking with a therapist who understands the impacts of these types of experiences.

If you are experiencing sibling grief, my hope is that you don’t need to be so quiet anymore. Your story matters.